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| Shocked at how inaccurately she's portrayed |
|
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| Bob |
Sir, I think we should be extremely careful as to how we portray the
relationship between the Father and Joan's brothers; the last Joan of Arc
movie received a lot of criticism regarding that. |
| Besson |
That's ok, I wasn't really planning on including them anyway. |
| Bob |
Hm... that makes it a little harder to show the strong devotion and
motivation that drove her through the rest of her life... no matter, so
your going to be focusing on her kindness and generosity to battered French
veterans to do that? |
| Besson |
No, I was thinking more of portraying her as a delusional brat as a
way of getting back at my wife for divorcing me shortly after she convinced
me to do the movie - probably due to what a crappy job I was doing. |
| Bob |
Wow, that's too bad, but you've still got to show motivation somehow...
are you going to be focusing on her theological debates with the priests
as to why the fairy's who enchanted the tree she played by needed to be
banished despite not having harmed anyone; and why the children of Christ
could not be friends with the Children of Satan? |
| Besson |
No, that would be politically incorrect, I wasn't going to include
any of that. |
| Bob |
But you included the tree in the scene with the Arch Angel Michael,
surely you can't leave out the significance of the tree or you'll leave
anyone trying to follow that part of the trial completely lost. |
| Besson |
Ha! you thought that was the Arch Angel Michael? It's just Dustin Hoffman...
I'm trying to make her a delusional brat here. Anyway, I wasn't planning
on including the tree in the trial. |
| Bob |
So I guess you're only going to show the moving scene of how through
her compassion and charisma as a little child she managed to save Domremy
from and escaped psychopathic axe murderer and everyone went around saying
"Wow, if you weren't a girl you'd make a really courageous worrier!"? |
| Besson |
Well, it is the only one that might have been exaggerated and romanticized;
still, I wasn't planning on including it. |
| Bob |
Wow, I guess all that leaves is how her parents tried to force marriage
upon her as a way of controlling her and she successfully defended herself
before a court of lawyers. |
| Besson |
Her parents aren't in this, remember? We're trying to cut back on the
number of actors required or something... |
| Bob |
So where does the motivation part of her character get built? |
| Besson |
watching her sister... |
| Bob |
Her sister? She's not even mentioned in most Joan of Arc tellings... |
| Besson |
Well how are you supposed to show the rape scene without mentioning
her sister? |
| Bob |
what rape scene? |
| Besson |
The one where Joan, a little girl, hides in a cupboard witnessing the
brutal rape of her sister by the invading British; thereby establishing
her bitter vengeance for the British in a record breaking 40 seconds |
| Bob |
But the British never invaded Domremy, the closest is the Burgandians
ransacking it when Joan was I think 16.... and I've never heard anything
about her sister being raped... And bitter vengeance is in no way part
of her character. |
| Besson |
Oh, it works great, here, take a look. |
| Bob |
Sir, that's the driest rape scene I've ever scene... what the hell
kind of line is "ah, now that's what I call Booty! Hold still bitch!" |
| Besson |
You're right, it's lacking something, maybe if Catherine gets impaled
during the whole process and the guy ends up raping a rotting corpse it'll
spice things up a little.... |
| Bob |
Catherine outlived Joan... At any rate, you're a sick man... |
| Besson |
Ah, thank you, so lets see, what's next... she's leading her army and.... |
| Bob |
Wait, She's leading the army? Isn't it a big jump between "She's an
illiterate peasant girl" to "She's Commander in Chief" ... are you sure
you don't want to include anything about the time she spent getting support
from Robert De Baudricourt, her journey to Chinon, the secret prayer she
answered for the Dauphin, how she got the support of everyone? |
| Besson |
No, not really, besides if we did that we'd have to include the first
trial by the Arch-Bishop that pronounced her of god... we want to only
show the trial by the lower bishop that pronounced her a heretic that played
with the children of Satan... actually, we don't even want to show that,
it would be politically incorrect, we just want her clothes being torn
off and her burning at a stake! |
| Bob |
Well nobody's going to believe you if you just make this huge jump... |
| Besson |
Shit, ok, throw in that thing about her identifying the Dauphin |
| Bob |
*sigh* |
| Besson |
I think we need to throw in some femme pride stuff... |
| Bob |
But one of the great things about Joan was how delicately and elegantly
she handled the issue of her gender... |
| Besson |
right, so in the scene where she get's raving mad at the battle of
Orleans and starts hacking away at her hair, do you think I should use
a sword or a dagger? |
| Bob |
She discretely cut it back when she left the Valley of Colors.... |
| Besson |
Well we didn't include anything about Vaucouleurs did we? |
| Bob |
Well, no, but... |
| Besson |
Right, I guess we'll have to compromise with a really big dagger... |
Random
Beggar |
Hey man, got any spare change? |
| Besson |
Ah good, you can translate Joan's battle cry to english for us |
Random
Beggar |
Huh, I don't know any French man... |
| Besson |
$20 says you do... here, just read this: |
Random
Beggar |
"uuuuh... follow me, fight if you love me" |
| Bob |
Sir, I spent 10 years studying French at the University of Paris; that
distinctly says "Forward, French hearts - follow me!" |
| Besson |
No! that can't be used against her later, I'll show my ex-wife... just
watch... she may have got the house, but I'll have my revenge... muhahaha! |
| Bob |
um... yeah... |
| Besson |
so skipping ahead... when she gets hit in the shoulder by an arrow... |
| Bob |
wasn't it a crossbow bolt? |
| Besson |
yeah, well, we got a bulk-rate discount on regular bow/arrows; wha'cha
gonna do? how do I make her look surprised? |
| Bob |
You don't need to, she even sent a letter to her parents the day before
the incident predicting what was going to happen and that she was going
to be wounded... |
| Besson |
Shhhh! don't tell anyone! |
| Bob |
Sir, so far with Joan you've portrayed a character with depth even
Jack Handy would be proud of ... Are you sure you don't want to give character
another try with one of the other main characters? I know you're against
including her brothers, but maybe La Hire or someone? |
| Besson |
hm... ok, throw in about 10 seconds of the Bastard of Orleans swearing
incessantly |
| Bob |
ugh, I'm getting sick of hearing about this... lets skip the rest of
this battle |
| Besson |
just what I was thinking, in fact, lets skip straight to the coronation
at Rheims! |
| Bob |
*moan* Why not just go straight to Joan's trial while we're at it? |
| Besson |
What a good idea! lemme just throw in some random inaccuracies first...
done |
| Bob |
Are you sure you don't want to try and include any character information
about how a 17 year old girl was able to take one of the most pathetic
entities on earth - the french army - after being demoralized by the biggest
military blunder in history, Agincourt, and having their armies trampled
by the horses of their own knights, through 92 years of constant defeat;
An army who's greatest source of pride was a legend about one of their
finest worriers who LOST his great battle... and he couldn't just die fighting
in this battle, he had to die by impaling himself on a trumpet! (no this
is not some special word for a secret medieval weapon, I am in fact referring
to the musical instrument)
got this same army to outlaw prostitution in the camps, curve drinking
and lead them to successive victories against the British? |
| Besson |
You annoy me, go away... don't you know you're only here to make a
kick-ass first trailer-demo to get people who know the story to think it's
going to be a great movie? |
| Bob |
What? Did we get acquired by Microsoft or something? That could explain
a lot... |
| Besson |
Hm... where's my Starbucks... |
The Trial
| Besson |
Oh dear, this seems to disprove virtually everything I've been trying
to accomplish throughout the movie... surely there must be some useless
obscure dialog I can show out of context somewhere! |
| Bob |
*sigh*, how about this one?
"You say that you are my judge. I do not know if you are! But I tell
you that you must take good care not to judge me wrongly, because you will
put yourself in great danger. I warn you, so that if God punishes you for
it, I would have done my duty by telling you!" |
| Besson |
That doesn't seem too bad, but the language seems kind of dry; remember,
this was by a starved, scared, overwhelmed, illiterate peasant girl...
I think we need to make it richer and more compelling... |
| Bob |
Fair enough, it drags on, and I could imagine some of the spirit getting
lost in the translation, what do you propose? |
| Besson |
How about "You who claim to be my judges, you will be careful!" |
| Bob |
*Blank Stare* |
| Besson |
We could always go with "Ah, now that's what I call booty; hold still
bitch!" |
| Bob |
Oh, no, it's an um... err... one of a kinda dialog... |
| Besson |
Ah, glad you liked it, other than that I envision her just giving tepid
I don't know's |
| Bob |
If that was the case it wouldn't have taken 6 trials and the humiliation
of everyone involved... besides it wasn't I don't know, her response was
always [cut off] |
| Besson |
Passez Outre Bob... |
| Bob |
Grr.... So if we're not including perhaps the best documented trial
in history what are we including? |
| Besson |
Her thoughts while she was in prison... |
| Bob |
But nobody has the slightest idea what went on... Manchon was rarely
allowed to visit her... |
| Besson |
Exactly! btw, who's Manchon? |
| Bob |
Uuuugh |
| Besson |
So, lets start by having her brake down crying about how her voices
abandoned her, shall we? |
| Bob |
Her response to if her voices still came to her while she was in prison
was "Yes, truly, many times." |
| Besson |
Damn, good thing we didn't include that! Actually while we're at it,
lets make it that she didn't hear voices and that it was just a strange
wind/ringing bells... |
| Bob |
She repeatedly identified the Arch-Angel Michael, St. Catherine and
St. Marguerite |
| Besson |
Wo ho! Didn't include them either, two for two! I am good! |
| Bob |
One of the focal points of the trial was if they spoke to her in French
or English... kinda hard to argue about if there were no voices... |
| Besson |
Didn't include that either! Man I am on fire! |
| Bob |
We can wish... |
| Besson |
So, lets go in for the kill about this whole sword in the field ordeal... |
| Bob |
What sword in the field? You pulled that whole concept out of you ass... |
| Besson |
Ah, I'm good... |
| Bob |
The sword she used was the sword was left by one of the 12 Paladins
of Charlemainge, I think somewhere in the 730's, supposedly found after
St. Catherine told her to send someone to dig behind the alter in the church
of Fierbois... |
| Besson |
I think this one is funnier |
| Bob |
Hehe, ok, I'll give you that... |
| Besson |
So moving on, the Cauchon genuinly tries... |
| Bob |
Cauchon did nothing genuinely! He lost his jobs and had to flee for
his life twice due to Joan's work, he usurped authority to judge her trial,
sent spies to Joan, was promised the title of Arch-Bishop Rouen if he burned
her, and was pronounced a twit by the church 20 years later. |
| Besson |
did someone say something? ... so skipping the stuff about his switching
documents on her, we go to the tearing off her clothes scene, and to the
final burning scene. |
| Bob |
It's customary to show the touching tale here of how a British solider,
then a monk, risked their lives to fulfill her last request to provide
her a cross/crucifix to gaze upon during her incineration... also something
I never really followed about her heart remaining intact and not burning. |
| Besson |
How sweet of him, in his memory, I'll be sure to put some frantic nut
way in the background, gleefully waving a cross through something translucent
for a nanosecond before switching to our end scene of - forget the heart
- her feet charring. |
| Bob |
Whatever... as long as he doesn't remark "Now that's what I call booty,
hold still bitch!" |