College Entrace Essays

If admitted, what do you feel you would bring to this campus?

If admitted to this campus, I would bring my favorite white sneakers. Possibly my Teva sandals too. I'd probably have to bring my bluebox/tone generator, or else I'd have no way of contacting my cocaine supplier in Pureta Rico.

What are your educational goals?

Through dedication and hard work in the higher education process established by the Regents of California I aspire to obtain a job better than reading collage entrance essays! Everyone always tells you "study hard and it'll pay off with a solid job." It never really dawned on me until I saw these essay topics and realized, "Dear God! Some lowlife loser actually has to read these!" You couldn't possibly wish this horrible fate upon someone else! Please please please let me in! I don't want to end up like you! Pleeeeease! Just think how your life could have been. The bright promising future you once had in lobster repair or whatever the hell you wanted to do. All of a sudden destroyed because some jerk essay reader rejected you, demolishing your life aspirations, plummeting you to your current wretched miserable excuse for an existance. Don't you feel slightly embarrased sitting at parties? Everyone beaming about the wonderous nobel prizes they've won, the dying children of Appalachia they've saved, the lobster eyes they've taped together; whereas you always have to excuse yourself, too ashamed of the sniviling suckup essays you've had to plow through your whole life. Here's your chance to prove you're better than that jerk essay reader, admit me to your university!